It Only Hurts When I Breathe
by Mr Sinister
Summary: After the events of Exiles 34, Mariko Yashida thinks of what she's left behind - and gets advice from an unexpected quarter.


**_It Only Hurts When I Breathe_**

   Mariko Yashida sat on the hillock overlooking Breakstone Lake, her arms curled around her legs and her knees tucked up underneath her chin. The silence of the recent battle against the N'Garai was still hard to adjust to, but it was welcome anyway – the Tallus had relayed a message to Mimic that the Exiles were to consider themselves free for a fortnight or so, which meant that the rest of the team had taken the day off to go into Westchester and relax. They'd asked her if she wanted to come, but she'd refused, preferring to keep to herself for the moment. She sat without speaking, watching the ducks on the lake paddling here and there and trying to imagine what she'd do if she were in their position. 

   She closed her eyes, and just for a moment, she thought she could smell Mary Jane again – the perfume that MJ had liked to wear was very distinctive, and Mariko had made a note of it from the moment they'd met, simply as a conversation-starter. She clearly remembered the first words that she and MJ had spoken to each other ("So… you're an Exile, huh?" followed by "Yeah. Don't blame me, I didn't think up the name"). And she clearly remembered the first kiss they'd shared (a soft, tender exploratory meeting of lips after a brief skirmish with the Vi-Locks).

   Mariko leaned backwards into the warm, lush grass of the Xavier Institute's lawn, praying futilely to feel MJ running her long-fingered, delicate hands through her hair again, and glanced up at the powder-blue sky. She watched a few clouds scud gently across her field of vision, propelled by a light breeze that almost didn't register on her senses, and then ran her hands down her face, feeling salty wetness stain her gloved fingertips. She felt her vision blur for a moment or two as tears began to well up in her eyes, shuddering sobs coming to her throat as she tried not to remember how happy she'd been to see MJ again, or how torn-up she'd been to have it all taken away from her once more. She wiped away a glittering trail from her cheek and tried to concentrate on the sky again, with little success. 

   "Hey, sparky – you all right there?"

   The sudden voice belonged to Morph, the Exiles' resident shape-shifting joker. Mariko looked up at him, and saw that he had assumed the form of a long-coated doctor, with a large, scarlet question mark emblem displayed on the left breast pocket of his attire.

   "Honestly, Morph? No, I'm not," Mariko said with as much vigour as she could manage – which to be brutally frank wasn't that much. "But thanks for asking, anyway."

   Seeing her distress, Morph shapeshifted himself into a sitting position, where he wore the form of a mime artist – beret, striped jumper and all. "You… uh… you wanna talk about it?"

   "Not really," Mariko replied, wearily. "I just want to try and get on with my life. I know I won't see MJ again, and I'm just trying to deal with that as best I can. Can't you let me do that in peace?"

   Morph's amorphous face twisted with an uncharacteristic display of hurt. "Hey, sparky, I'm only asking because I'm worried about you. I mean, we're all worried… but I love you, kid. I hate seeing you like this –"

   "Then leave me alone." Sunfire's words were brutally sharp and to the point. "Don't you understand? I don't want to talk about it!" She paused to wipe her eyes, which had begun to betray her emotions again by streaming tears down her cheeks, and then pushed herself into a sitting position, hunching herself over and gazing at the surface of the lawn mutedly. She wiped her nose with her hand and touched the inner edges of her eyes with a finger and thumb. "Please just go, Morph. I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it – I do – but I really… _really_ need to be alone right now." 

   Nodding sadly, Morph got to his feet, and began to trudge back towards the mansion, before he paused and half-turned back towards Mariko, saying "I'm… sorry you had to go through this, Mariko. I talked to MJ a couple of times – she seemed like a great person."

   Sunfire nodded silently. "She was," she whispered, her tone soft. "She was the best."

   Morph turned around more fully, walked around to Mariko's front, and then hunkered down before her. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

   "No," Mariko said, shaking her head and then glancing up at the sky again. "I don't know why I'm so torn-up about it, Morph. We both knew what my situation was, why we couldn't stay together – knew it right from the beginning – but we kept at it anyway." She sniffed back a few tears reluctantly, and then offered Morph a half-hearted smile. "Isn't that just the dumbest thing you've ever heard?"

   Morph shrugged, an uncharacteristically subtle gesture. "That's love, kiddo. That's not dumb." He reached out with one of his gloved hands and slipped his fingers into hers. Mariko gripped them tightly, as if they were the only thing keeping her heart beating, and Morph used that grip to draw her closer into a hug. "I remember the first time I fell in love. I was only about nine, and I got this massive crush on a girl a grade or so above me…  I couldn't stop thinking about her. It was like everything else in the world just… stopped when she was around, like I couldn't tear my eyes away from her." He paused. "She told me to get lost when I finally got up the courage to ask her out – she said she already had a boyfriend, and his name was Scott Summers."

   Despite herself, Mariko laughed. "You had a crush on Jean Grey? I guess I can see why."

   Morph smiled, and hugged Mariko a little tighter. "I see she got to you, too. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, love ain't all bad – a little while after that, Dani Moonstar asked me out, and bingo, I became the loveable guy I am today." Tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear, Morph kissed Mariko gently on the forehead and smiled. "You're beautiful, kid. If there's any justice in the world – _any world – you'll be happy one day, I promise."_

   "Thank you, Morph. That means a lot," Mariko replied. "I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much right now, that's all…"


End file.
